The Fire Monster in my leaf pile

Stupid Toothbrush Review

                                   Yes, A Toothbrush Review, kinda

Colgate Optic White

 

by Dennis Pulley

          

    No, I have never written about a toothbrush before and I feel that after 35 years of thankless toiling, this was the least I could do. I’m not being paid by anyone in the biz nor am I, in anyway, trying to solicit funds or cram my toothbrush beliefs down the throat of readers. Now, with that said;

 

                                                               I am absolutely writing this to be helpful.  I think that most people value a trustworthy recommendation and also find comfort in arming oneself with information before entering a market such as this. A market with few clear winners. I’ve been buying them for 30-odd years and this is the first time I have ever felt a measure of success in the endeavor. Allow me to share;

     I remember the monstrous ad campaigns of the 80’s in which Big Tooth would spend millions of dollars to introduce us to the newest weapons for our war on Cavity Creeps and gingivitis. How the technology of the bristles interact with the revolutionary angled neck to improve the overall quality of life of every American. I actually bought that one, I don’t remember the name but I have always been a sucker for leverage and as promising as it sounded, it never quite panned out. No matter the angle, I could never feel the improvement.

 

Pretty soon 40 years have come and gone without one single miracle                         in my tooth care regimen. Until last month.

 
     
   We had the tri-color explosion of Close-up and Aqua-Fresh, the mechanical toothbrush that could motor away 20 years of staining in 20 days, the whitening mouthpieces, Waterpik, Veneers, Bleaches, UV bathing, etc.etc. The bombardment was deafening and I quit listening to the commercials, I ignored 4 out of 5 Dentists and began to go for the eye-candy. The pastel and the premium, pimped-out, super-brite, commercial packaging. The Saturday morning cartoons sponsored by Colgate, the Anime Comic-books featuring Japanese Samurai warriors battling Commander Tooth Decay to the death.  I’m shallow. I don’t care. Pretty soon 40 years have come and gone without one single miracle in my tooth care regimen. Until last month.

      Last month, I caught my 13 year old cleaning his Nike’s with his little brothers’ Walt Disney brand robotic tooth sanitizer and asked my wife to grab him a new one on the way home. On second thought, grab me one, too. He likes me less than his younger sibling and I try not to wonder what he may have cleaned with mine. She shows up with Colgate Optical White. Never heard of it and it looks pretty unremarkable from where I stand but a new toothbrush is almost as cool as new underwear so I grab mine and head for the showers.



First glance, It’s just a white toothbrush with some pretty cool racing stripes. Blue and gray. The bristles match the color scheme and have an odd configuration as there are some shorter, wider ones that are made of rubber or similar. Looks cool, there is even a tongue scrubber on the back which I like. I also noticed a big, blue bullseye or thumb pad which implies leverage. Uh-oh. Alright, this toothbrush also comes with a tube of Colgate Optic White Toothpaste which is just another “whitening” toothpaste on a crowded shelf. It also has a pen. Yes. A pen of whitener that actually stores in the oversized handle of the toothbrush itself. Gimmicky but still, pretty slick. I like it, so far and in 10 more minutes, I’ll love it.

     I apologize for rambling through 5 paragraphs about a toothbrush but that’s just how I get my jollies but here comes the good stuff. The Colgate Ultra White toothbrush is amazing! Not as amazing as a monkey riding a motorcycle, but absolutely, as close to amazing as a toothbrush has ever been. First and foremost; It actually feels different. A lot different. This is the leverage I’ve waited my entire primary-toothed life for. Every tooth gets the attention it deserves. The backs of the fronts and the fronts of the back. The shape, the bend in the neck is so slight that it’s almost nonexistent but it feels so much different than anything I’ve ever used. That is why I decided to write about a toothbrush. The only thing I’ve exaggerated about is my excitement level. It really does feel different and it really does clean better. I wouldn’t lie to you.

  

 I hope you find the 4 hours I spent on this to be worthwhile. A public service of sorts. Who reviews toothbrushes and other mundania? This guy.

Dennis Pulley